What does it mean to identify as gender neutral? Girlsplained.
Hello peeps,
Welcome to another issue of Girlsplaining, where I - a girl - explain things. I don't pretend to be an expert on these topics; in fact, I am not. But I'm a fast learner, and I can easily explain the basics to increase your chances of someday winning 'Who wants to be a millionaire?' with every article you read.
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Last week I gave you a short explanation on gender and sexuality. It will be helpful to understand today's article about being gender-neutral.
I must confess this has been one of the emails that have given me the most work, but it has also been one of the most fun. I learned a lot by researching and talking to non-binary people. I’ll go through today’s lesson by sharing the experiences of Keith, Mauxi, Nathu, and Tuki.
I would like to ask you to read the article with the intention to understand and not to judge or respond. It is natural for these types of topics to make us feel like we need to come up with an opinion. But you don’t need to have an opinion on this. You might not even understand what they feel, that’s ok.
As Keith said, “I get that you can't understand it, or that it can be confusing and complicated. Because it is. It is not an easy subject, even for me it was difficult, but I only ask for you to respect who I am. If you don't get it, at least respect me.”
With that said, let's get started!
Let me introduce you to our new friends.
The best way to explain these types of concepts is from the voice of people who live through them. That’s why I decided to interview non-binary people. They were willing to answer questions that had never been asked before and to share their experiences with you. It’s my pleasure to introduce you to:
Keith, (They/Them or He/Him), is 21 years old. They is about to finish their degree in Mass Communications at the Andres Bello Catholic University (Venezuela) and works as a video editor.
Nathu, (They/Them), is 27 years old, is a developer, and lives in Miami, Florida.
Mauxi, (They/Them or He/Him or She/Her), is 20 years old, is an audiovisual producer, and works for an agency in Valencia, Venezuela.
Tuki, (They/Them or He/Him), is 30 years old and is a photographer and videographer for a luxury homes real estate agency in Spain.
They will accompany us throughout the article. I apologize if it gets too quote-heavy, but I want you to know most of their stories.
What does it mean to be gender-neutral or non-binary?
It means not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth, but not identifying with the opposite one either. Although, there are cases where gender identity can be fluid.
Mauxi and Keith explained to me that non-binarism is part of the trans umbrella. Because being trans is also not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth and doing it with the opposite one instead. "When you are transgender you have a possibility, you can decide whether you want to transition or not, and that does not make you any less trans," Mauxi explained paraphrasing a quote she read online.
Beyond the concept, I would like to share how it feels for each of them to identify as non-binary.
Keith explains that for them, “it's not fitting into what society says we should be."
For Nathu, “It is loving your parts without pigeonholing yourself. It means understanding that the gender you were assigned at birth is there (in my case female), but that you also adopted another gender (male).”
Mauxi says it feels as if “I visited different countries. There’s a women's country and a men's country. Sometimes I wander around the neutral lands, but I don't stay anywhere. I am visiting and I am a foreigner in all of those countries. That is what I love about it. "
Although all of their descriptions are different, they have something in common. They all feel like they don’t fit in with what society has told them they should be.
"Non-binarism is learned and it is a trend."
Well not quite, Karen. The truth is all the people I interviewed knew from a very young age that they didn’t feel the gender they had been assigned. And there is not much massive information that allows them to be reflected in others.
There is so little representation of non-binary or trans people on the media, that it is easier to learn how to be a serial killer than it is to learn to be non-binary from consuming it.
They all told me they managed to put a name to what they felt after they did thorough research on gender identity. Whereas, with their sexual orientation it was much easier to discover who they liked from a really young age.
“I remember knowing that I liked girls when I was seven years old, also thinking that I wanted to be a boy. In my adolescence, I pretended to be a man for about 2 years convinced that I wanted to be a transsexual. In 2019 I started to investigate more about non-binarism and being transgender. I felt a huge relief as if someone had finally described what I had not been able to explain to myself during all this time," Nathu shared.
Mauxi told me something similar when they said it was just until last year when they made it public they identified as a non-binary person. “I was always very clear about what my sexuality was from a very young age, I came out of the closet to my friends when I was 14; to my family when I was 17. I have always identified with both genders even though when I was younger I leaned more towards the masculine, but having a religious family, I hid all that part.”
Keith said the first time they felt that duality within themselves was when they were 8 years old and was wearing sports shorts, “I was dressed a bit manly -according to social stereotypes-. I remember my sister said to me: 'Do you want to be a man? Because if you want to, I'll cut your hair short.' I remember thinking, 'no, I don't want to be one. I don't want to be a man, but I don't want to be a woman either.' It wasn't until last year that they were able to name that feeling.
For Tuki it was always obvious, “I've always known. I would have liked to have been born and feel free to fulfill myself as a person in my own way.”
Inclusive language and pronouns. Why are they so important?
According to the Guide for the use of the non-sexist and egalitarian language of the Chilean Chamber of Deputies, inclusive language is one that “neither hides, subordinates, nor excludes any of the genders, and is responsible when considering, respecting and making everyone visible. Recognizing sexual and gender diversity.” Meaning, using words, pronouns, and genders that allow everyone to feel included.
You are probably thinking, "I don't use it because that language is made up." Well, I must tell you that all the words we know are made up.
Paraphrasing Mauxi, language is evolutional, and it evolves as we create new things and we need a word to name them.
Let's do an exercise, imagine a chair. I'm sure you could do it easily. Maybe you thought of an office chair, a high chair, or a plastic chair. The shape of the chair does not matter. The important thing is that you were able to visualize it without any issues because it has a name, and since it has a name, it exists.
The use of inclusive language is important because we validate the existence of non-binary people. We are naming them.
Pronouns, on the other hand, are the use of words that allude to the gender of the person. They are: she/her; he/him; they/them.
A personal exercise you can do to understand why using the correct pronouns and inclusive language is important is answering the following questions:
What do you do when someone calls you by the wrong name? (You correct it, it makes you uncomfortable, you tell your friends, you don't care).
What do you do when you find out you've been calling someone by the wrong name for months? (You are embarrassed, you apologize, you don't care.)
What do you do when you say female words to a man or vice versa? (You correct yourself automatically, you feel ashamed, you do not care).
If your answer for any of the questions was different to “you don't care," then you can understand that referring to people using the correct pronouns and gender is important.
What does it feel like when someone uses the wrong pronouns?
"It's very sad when people don't respect my pronouns, it’s like they don't have that empathy to do it," Keith explained to me.
Mauxi also agreed with them, “When someone constantly calls you by a name that you don't feel is yours, they’re denying your existence. It is as if they cut off your vocal cords or cut off who you are."
Clearly, if a person tries to be as respectful as possible and inadvertently calls them using the wrong pronoun, nothing will happen, but if they stay with the idea that "this is made up", all they do is harm.
“For example, I know people who care a lot about the use of pronouns and I know that it makes them feel safe and supported. On the other hand, there are people like me, who do not care about pronouns but expect to be treated with respect, like any other human being. Because at the end of the day we are that, humans,” Nathu concludes.
The importance of references.
Although it might sound banal, having people who are similar to you represented in the media or positions of power, makes you feel less alone and helps you understand you might be different, but you’re not an alien.
“I would have loved to have had more transgender and non-binary visibility growing up. I feel like it would have helped me not to punish myself so much for who I am. 60% of people transgender/non-binary I suffer from anxiety and depression, including myself. " Nathu told me. They also said that for a long time they were ashamed of themselves for not knowing what was wrong with them, with more information they could have been less hard on themselves.
There is so little representation of non-binary people that there are many people who don’t even know they exist. Even Keith, Mauxi, Nathu, and Tuki had a hard time discovering what they are.
If you want to know more about the representation of trans people in the media and entertainment, Mauxi recommended a documentary called "Disclosure,” which talks about the type of roles that trans people have historically been portrayed as and how it is beginning to change.
Mauxi also told me that there are a lot of new shows that have a better representation of trans people and they believe it will help children to recognize themselves in others. That was Keith’s case, seeing an influencer on social media called "Bridget,” they opened a door for them. They started researching and managed to discover they were non-binary.
“We want stars in movies and series to be LGBTIQ +, we want to see them at Disney and doing all different kinds of jobs. We do not want more suicides, nor do we want people to deny us, take away our rights or treat us as sick people." Tuki said.
The power of recognition.
Something that hurts me deeply every time I talk about these kinds of issues is that I can't imagine a life where decisions about my identity can be overruled by others.
Society forces homosexuals to come out of the closet when no one forces us to do the same. And in addition, society believes they have the power to invalidate that feeling. Homosexuality is still illegal in many countries, trans people are denied to change their names, they are denied jobs, they call non-binary people with incorrect pronouns.
As a society, we believe we have the power to decide about the lives of others simply because they are a minority, and that’s not okay.
Tuki describes the damage this causes like this, “You deny yourself and they deny you. You decide to cover everything up because it is wrong, because the rejection is there, pulling you down and making you feel smaller and smaller. You end up living a pretended life without realizing what you need or what you really are.” Although they have been able to accept themselves despite the difficulties, it does not mean that we should not fight against the constant invalidation of others.
The power that society has and what it expects over each of us is impressive. Tuki continued, “I don't want to wax my pussy just because I have it. Or wear skirts. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit and have my chest exposed, but I can't because of the volume of my breasts. The world gave my breasts a wrong place and made me hate them. If people did not see them as an attraction we could use whatever we wanted, having big boobs or not. But it's not like that.”
A recent example of this power was with the announcements of Demi Lovato identifying as non-binary, and Elliot Page as a trans man. With Elliot, people were extremely receptive, and his transition was applauded, which is very good.
However, the story with Demi was different. Many comments attacked them because of their past, expressing that they would not make it valid and would continue to call them "her" because they did not like them as a person when that power should not be in the people.
What things can you do to make them feel included?
Beyond all the technicalities, about what it means to learn and use inclusive language and the correct pronouns. Max, Keith, Tuki, and Nathu only ask for one thing: respect.
And respect is not difficult, it is something that we should all know how to do already.
To Nathu, Keith, Mauxi and Tuki, thank you for opening up and helping me educate others. I wish you a future where you don't have to put your sexual orientation or gender identity as part of your presentation card. You are all much more than who you like or how you identify yourselves. A big hug!
Look at all the things you learned today:
Non-binary people are those who do not identify with the gender assigned at birth.
Gender identity can be fluid.
Non-binarism falls under the trans umbrella.
Being trans does not necessarily mean that you must transition, and not doing it does not make you any less trans.
There is not enough representation of trans/non-binary people in mass media or positions of power.
Inclusive language validates the existence of these people.
We should not have the power to invalidate anyone because of what they feel or how they identify.
Beyond the technicalities, the important thing is to respect others.
Thanks for reading. I hope you learned something. If so, please recommend it, leave a comment if you want me to explain any particular topic, or buy me a beer if you truly enjoyed it.
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